the F word…

At an early age it seemed natural for me to live behind the armor of bravado or invisibility, and to side-step the vulnerability of feeling.   Alcohol and drugs became a welcome relief.

In early sobriety, I needed remedial education in the subject of FEELINGS to learn how to identify these unspeakable things that I spent my ‘previous lifetime’ trying to avoid, numb, push-down, deny, sooth, and medicate away. The process of living without a substance quickly presented the reality that I now had to recognize feelings, get to know what to call them, and then learn how to deal with them as a sober person. Huge!   A tall-order for this alcoholic-addict!

My sponsor, Sandra, lead me through a painful for both of us process to discern what I was feeling. She would patiently ask questions to help me ‘fish’ for a word that might describe what I was possibly feeling, such as, “Are you feeling sad?” “Did you feel angry?” “Do you feel hurt by that?”   Was that disappointing for you?  I honestly didn’t know how to answer those questions.   What I knew was I felt like a two-year old!   With support and guidance, I could recognize and identify a feeling.   I began learning healthy, appropriate tools and techniques to handle the full range of feelings that are part of the human experience.

Talking to a trusted, safe person about situations that cause me to feel stress or anxiety helps. Through yoga and meditation, I learned how to handle stress and anxiety by focusing on my breath and being present. Any stressful/anxiety driven situation results from thinking about something in the future or something that has already happened and is over and done with. When I can simply be in THIS moment I can see and feel everything is OK and trust I can handle whatever I’m projecting about if and when I need to.

I began a meditation practice. This doesn’t eliminate or stop thoughts, but allows me the opportunity to watch the mind, notice thought after thought as the mind produces them, and make the choice to not get involved in the thought in that moment.  When I can be present in the stillness, I am able to experience the thoughts as impermanent…knowing they come and then they go.

It’s not the situation or person that causes me stress it’s my thoughts about it. My thoughts are my responsibility and I can do something about them. I learned to question thoughts to find if they are actually true. I find over and over again that most of the painful, stressful, fear-based, sad, hurtful, anxiety producing thoughts are not true, but based on a story I’m rehashing from the past or projecting about the future. Freedom and peace are found in truth and in the present moment.

As human beings we have the capacity to feel a range of feelings from pure, utter joy to heartbreaking grief and sadness. We learn from each other that it’s safe to feel, that we can survive our feelings, and that feelings aren’t facts. They come and they go, they visit us. We suffer when we choose to live in the story of the feeling rather than processing it in a safe, true, healthy way.

How do you manage your thoughts and feelings? What tools and techniques enable you to move through them with some grace and ease?

Advertisement